Protecting Our Time, Energy, and Values When It’s Not Easy to Do

Many of us want to hold stricter boundaries, both with ourselves and with others. This could include saying "no" to certain commitments, asserting ourselves when we're treated poorly or are uncomfortable with the direction of a conversation or project, or protecting our time for our highest priorities. However, even when we desire to hold a boundary, sometimes we find it difficult to follow through.

Why are boundaries so hard to hold despite our best intentions? This Boundary Empowerment Roadmap & Saboteur Self-Assessment will help you:

  • 1. Identify Your Personal Boundary Saboteurs

    Even when we desire to hold a boundary, sometimes we find it difficult to follow through. We'll examine the internal voices that create doubt, confusion, or emotional turmoil, ultimately disrupting our ability to protect our time, energy, and emotions.

  • 2. Explore Innovative Ways to Tackle Your Boundary Saboteurs

    Experience the transformative power of creative exercises drawn from various psychotherapeutic approaches, designed to help you gain new insights, perspectives, and strategies for overcoming the internal voices that hinder your boundary-setting efforts.

  • 3. Combat Post-Boundary-Setting Anxiety

    The emotional discomfort and anxiety that can occur after setting a boundary, whether or not we experience pushback. Post-boundary-setting anxiety can lead us to walk back our boundaries or reduce our likelihood of setting them in the future.

  • 4. Sustaining a Boundary-Setting Mindset

    Acknowledge and celebrate your successes, no matter how small, as you progress on your boundary-setting journey. By focusing on the positive outcomes and personal growth that come with setting boundaries, you can create a self-reinforcing cycle that gradually makes the process feel more natural, effortless, and integrated into your daily life.

Step One: Identify Your Personal Boundary Saboteurs

We all have internal voices that create doubt or confusion when we're about to set a boundary. I call these our Boundary Saboteurs - each representing the mental chatter that disrupts our ability to protect our time, values, energy, and emotions.

There are six distinct Boundary Saboteurs (described below), and many of us have one or more that are particularly strong for us. Even the simple act of naming and recognizing your Saboteurs will diminish their power.

To identify your prominent Saboteurs:

  1. Take the Boundary Saboteur Assessment for initial insights

  2. Scroll to read the detailed descriptions of all six Saboteurs below (best viewed on a Desktop)

  3. Reflect on how these align with your experiences and assessment results

Then, scroll down to Step Two for innovative ways to tackle your Saboteurs.

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Step Two: Explore Innovative Ways to Tackle Your Boundary Saboteurs

Engaging in creative exercises can help us gain deeper insights into our Boundary Saboteurs and develop new strategies for setting and maintaining boundaries. The techniques below, drawn from various psychotherapeutic approaches, offer unique ways to explore your relationship with your Boundary Saboteurs. I recommend completing any of the exercises for one Boundary Saboteur at a time.

If the idea of engaging in these exercises feels overwhelming, consider setting a timer for 10-30 minutes and dedicating that time to exploring one of these techniques. You might be surprised at what emerges, even in a short period, when you approach your Boundary Saboteurs with curiosity and creativity.

    • Visualize your Boundary Saboteur and sketch it as a character or symbol

    • Exaggerate its features or characteristics to emphasize its impact on your boundary-setting

    • Reflect on how this visual representation makes you feel and what insights it provides

    • Imagine your Boundary Saboteur as a separate entity and engage in a written or spoken dialogue with it

    • Ask your Boundary Saboteur questions about its motivations, fears, and beliefs

    • Express your own needs, desires, and boundaries in the conversation

    • Explore possibilities for finding common ground or reaching a compromise

    • Identify the negative thoughts or beliefs associated with your Boundary Saboteur

    • Challenge these thoughts by examining evidence for and against them

    • Generate alternative, more balanced thoughts that support your boundary-setting efforts

    • Practice replacing the negative thoughts with the reframed versions in real-life situations

    • When you notice your Boundary Saboteur arising, take a moment to pause and observe it with curiosity and non-judgment

    • Notice any physical sensations, emotions, or thoughts associated with the Boundary Saboteur

    • Acknowledge the presence of the Boundary Saboteur without getting caught up in its narrative

    • Gently redirect your attention back to your present moment experience and the boundary you wish to set

    • Choose a supportive friend, family member, or therapist to work with

    • Take turns playing the roles of yourself and your Boundary Saboteur

    • As your Boundary Saboteur, express its concerns, fears, and objections to setting boundaries

    • As yourself, practice assertively responding to the Boundary Saboteur and setting clear boundaries

    • Debrief with your partner and share insights and reflections from the exercise

    • Create a collage that represents your relationship with your Boundary Saboteur

    • Include images, words, or symbols that capture the challenges, emotions, and desires associated with boundary-setting

    • Reflect on the themes and patterns that emerge in the collage

    • Consider creating a second collage that represents your ideal relationship with boundaries and hang it somewhere visible as a reminder

Step Three: Combat Post-Boundary-Setting Anxiety

Setting boundaries is a crucial step in protecting our time, energy, and well-being. But for many of us, the real challenge begins after we've communicated our limits. Enter: Post-Boundary-Setting Anxiety. I came across the concept recently via psychologist Dr. George Sachs, and it seemed like the perfect way to describe that sinking feeling in our stomachs, the nagging voice in our heads, and the emotional discomfort that follows protecting our time, values, energy, or emotions.

Here's what it can look like:

  • We're met with silence or a non-response, and suddenly we're second-guessing ourselves

  • We experience a negative reaction, and the guilt feels overwhelming

  • Even if the boundary is accepted, we still feel shame and self-doubt

Post-Boundary-Setting Anxiety can be so intense that it leads us to undo the boundary we just set, sometimes almost immediately! We might take back our "no" before the other person even has a chance to respond. And if we do manage to stick to our plan? The lingering discomfort can make us hesitant to set boundaries in the future.

Before Setting the Boundary

Take some time to feel more grounded and confident in your decision.

  • Capture the "why": Write down the reasons this boundary is important to you. Having a clear understanding of your motivations can help you stay firm in your resolve.

  • Anticipate potential responses: Think about how others might react to your boundary. Preparing for different scenarios can help you feel more in control and less caught off guard.

  • Build acceptance for a range of outcomes: Embrace the understanding that not everyone will agree with your boundaries, and that's okay. Focus on what you need to feel safe and respected.

  • Practice assertive communication: Work on communicating your needs clearly, confidently, and directly. Use "I" statements and avoid apologizing or over-explaining.

After Setting the Boundary

Prioritize self-care and seek support to manage any anxiety or discomfort that arises.

  • Recognize uncomfortable feelings: Accept that guilt, shame, and self-doubt are natural parts of the process. Acknowledge these emotions without judgment.

  • Develop self-compassion: Reflect on personal factors or past experiences that may influence your feelings towards boundary-setting. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding.

  • Allow time for processing: Give yourself space to sit with your emotions before engaging in any "negotiations." It's okay to take a step back and regroup.

  • Seek support: Identify people in your life who can offer encouragement and validation when you're experiencing self-doubt. This could be colleagues, mentors, or friends.

  • Implement self-care practices: Engage in activities that help you feel grounded and recharged, such as exercise, mindfulness, or creative pursuits.

Step Four: Sustaining a Boundary-Setting Mindset 

II love this meme! Let me know if you try it!

Celebrating our victories, no matter how small, is a powerful way to create a lasting boundary-setting mindset. By focusing on our successes and the positive impact of setting boundaries, we can gradually integrate this practice into our daily lives, making boundary-setting feel more natural and effortless over time. Here are some ways to celebrate your victories and cultivate a boundary-setting mindset:

  • Create a "no" club with trusted friends or colleagues to share experiences, offer support, and hold each other accountable in your boundary-setting efforts

  • Keep a boundary-setting journal to record your successes and reflect on how they make you feel

  • Develop a simple reward system, treating yourself to something small that brings you joy each time you set a boundary

  • Surround yourself with reminders of your "why" – the priorities and values that make setting boundaries important for your work and personal life

  • Continue to build awareness of your emotional landscape and any patterns in how you relate to others that may sabotage your goals, through therapy, coaching, books, podcasts, or other media that support self-exploration

Remember, cultivating a boundary-setting mindset takes time and practice. Be kind to yourself and celebrate your progress along the way. With consistency and self-compassion, you'll gradually transform boundary-setting from a challenging task into a natural part of your life.

A Note on Diverse Experiences with Boundaries

While I’ve found that leaders across all identities benefit from working with their saboteurs, it’s important to note that our unique experiences and intersecting identities also play a critical role.

For example, setting and maintaining boundaries in the workplace can be especially challenging for individuals who have been marginalized or underestimated based on their identities. This includes, but is not limited to, dimensions such as race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, disability, neurodiversity, socioeconomic status, and immigrant status. Additionally, those with mental health considerations, including anxiety, C-PTSD, and other conditions, may face unique hurdles in boundary-setting.

These challenges often stem from:

  • Neding to "mask" (hiding or minimizing aspects of one's true self)

  • Worrying about imposter syndrome

  • Facing greater penalties for saying “no”

  • Navigating complex social or cultural expectations

For those navigating these challenges, it can be empowering to understand how our particular Boundary Saboteurs intersect with the systemic/cultural barriers that we face. For all leaders committed to psychological safety on our teams, we can develop empathy for colleagues who might struggle with boundaries for different reasons than our own. Together, we can combat the structural biases and workplace norms that create greater difficulty for some identities vs. others in boundary-setting.

Additional Resources